Where oh where should I even begin. Okay let's start from the top: I was never interested in having children. So when the doctor informed me, at 20, that I had pcos and that I would have a difficult time having children, it didn't phase me. It was simply an "oh okay" kind of moment and I moved on from it.
Most people would say the prime in their life would be their late 20's or 30's. It's when things settle a bit and they are becoming more aware of themselves. Well, my prime hit me at 40! I had this new found love for the outdoors, a love which was like nothing else I've ever felt. The outdoors became my best friend, my soulmate, and my confidante. I would often go camping and hiking, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. The outdoors also taught me about my own grit and strength. It gave me confidence in other parts of my life that didn't relate to the outdoors. Whatever the case, I felt as though my purpose in life was to encourage others to get into the outdoors. And that I did!
I had also met someone great. We had similar interests and the ability to communicate about anything. It felt like the timing for everything fit just right.
One weekend, I went on a ski trip with some friends and noticed that I wasn't feeling well at all. I was very tired, to the point where I noticed it was an abnormal kind of tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open past 6 p.m. My friends had noticed and asked "you're not pregnant are you?!" I didn't even think twice about it and we all laughed it off. And so when I finally did a pregnancy test and it came back positive, I was in a complete state of shock. Shock is actually an understatement, I was floored.
The next few days have become a blur as I went from shock, to anxiety, to fear. I never saw my life with a child in it. Much less at 40. There will never be a descriptive enough explanation for the panic I was feeling. The amount of tears that streamed down my face, the loneliness I felt, it all consumed me. When I broke the news to the man I was with, he left me, immediately. I think that, because I was in so much shock that I was pregnant, him leaving me didn't hurt me. Also, I think you come to point in your life where you don't put so much weight on how others react. I also knew that, no matter what, my family would support my decision to keep this baby. And they did with so much love and support. My family and my friends were there for me and have been there for me to this day, every step of the way.
Now that everyone knew, a new excitement hit me. OH MY GOSH I AM PREGNANT!!!!!
I won't sugarcoat it, I went back and forth with so many emotions and, being 40, I was a high risk pregnancy. But my little one showed me that he had it all figured out. He was such an easy pregnancy and I was so in love with him already.
It's been a year and a half and I cannot tell you howwwww much me and my son were meant to be. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, cannot imagine what my life would be like without him. And that doesn't mean it's easy, but I never look back and second guess my decision. Every part of my spirit believes that everything that happened in my life readied me for this journey. It is this life with him that has taught me what it feels to be so sure about something. My son and the outdoors make me tick. They are one in some way. They both breathe life into me.
You'll be hearing more about the adventures of me and this little guy in the future so buckle up and enjoy the ride!